Crowley is an angel who does not Fall so much as Stride Furiously Downward. She does not get caught up with the wrong crowd; she simply lives too many millennia under His thumb, and, anyway, the shoes are better in Hell.
Do yourself a favor: listen, when the heavens open. Come now, sweetheart; did you think the patriarchy was something new?
—
Crowley does not give Eve the apple, though that is what will be written, what will be told. She does not give Eve the apple, because Eve does not need to be given anything; Eve takes from the first, bright smile and curious eyes, renaming the animals as she treks through Eden, marking it as her own. She is naked with a vicious, brutal intensity, unbridled and unashamed, brambles caught forever in the long tangle of her hair.
Man is made in God’s image, so Crowley has no use for Adam. Eve, on the other hand…well. Crowley doesn’t give Eve the apple, but the temptation business is true enough.
It is Adam who covers them both with fig leaves, Adam who bows his head when Him Above booms his fury, Adam who blames Eve without hesitation. There will be paintings, later, that Crowley will snarl at and set aflame; cast in pigment by those who were not there, Eve will writhe with agony, awash with a shame so vicious that it burns down her spine.
The reality goes like this: Eve casts aside her fig leaf, casts aside Adam, and saunters out of the garden with half the animals trailing behind her. Adam follows when God tells him to—which is pride, probably, He always did vilify his own failings—and Aziraphale gives him the flaming sword out of pity more than anything else.
“Well, I had to,” Aziraphale says, her hands flexing nervously against her bare thighs. It’s early yet, and Aziraphale wears nothing but her wings when she walks this plane of life; Crowley’s still coiled and scaled, her venom singing up from her skin in orange and yellow bands.
“Did you, now.”
“They’ll be killed otherwise,” Aziraphale says, worried, “what with her expecting already and him without an ounce of sense, I couldn’t—I couldn’t just leave them to it, humanity depends on them, you can’t fault me for that.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” Crowley says, and the sarcasm hissing up and out of her mouth makes Aziraphale scowl. “Be funny, though, wouldn’t it—me doing the right thing and you doing the wrong one?”
“Not really,” Aziraphale says, and turns away from her.
“No,” Crowley says, grinning to herself, barely able to keep the laugh out of it, “no, angel. I sssuppose not.”
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